TIFU by throwing my humans a party.

The following post was created for the popular Reddit TIFU, or, Today I Fucked Up: stories of situations that people got themselves into that ultimately turned out to be disastrous. I took the unique approach of writing as my cat instead of about her. 

Although cats are superior and we are celebrated as such tremendous beings of influence, humans sometimes do things that deserve a small amount of praise. For example, my humans typically allow me to park my fat ass on their faces. Such is one of the laws of nature; my ass fits on their face, on their face my ass shall go.

But humans must endure this for years at a time. Five or six (hundred) episodes of parking myself upon their slumbering vessels is nothing to meow about, no. But what about the six-hundredth-and-first time?

Needless to say, I was proud of my humans for showing such endurance and patience and decided to throw them a party. I know that one of the humans in particular, Nike, was having a bad day. It was one of those days (and cats have them too) where everything is frustrating. First, one thing happens, then another, then another all in annoying succession; it never seems to cease. Yes, this was a good day to surprise the humans.

Hmm...what to do, though? I spotted some party streamers lying upon the ground. They were rather boring, though, mostly bland colors with no real scent or texture of substance.

So I ate them, never letting the noble deeds of the human slaves escape my thoughts.

I didn't want to put them back on the ground. What if my humans missed them? I wanted them to go somewhere special, so that nobody would overlook them. I was determined to make them noticeable, like a "Happy Birthday" banner, or a Christmas tree. Perhaps the litter box? No, too typical. Besides, I didn't know how long it would be before I had to make.

Then...I hopped up on the bed. Knowing that poor Nike was about to take a nap and re-energize, trying desperately to turn her day around, I decided that I should turn her day around for her by placing my very special, thoughtful gift right on her favorite, memory foam pillow.

The owner who rescued me from the shelter, Nike's roommate, came in and began laughing hysterically. I had pleased him. Matthew ran down the stairs to tell Nike and her boyfriend that "Lulu threw up colorful party streamers all over the bed!" He was tickled.

I smiled. I knew I had done right by the humans. So I waited for the rest of the humans to come back up the stairs. Nike walked into the room. I beamed at her. "Meow!" I exclaimed in my native language, which translates roughly into "Hey, look! I regurgitated stringed, rainbow confetti on your favorite pillow just for you! I hope you like it. I tried very hard."

Then...her face went cold. I have never seen such malice within the eyes of another human. Looking into her eyes was like peering into the soul of a tainted beast from hell: sinister, malevolent, frightening beyond explanation. I don't know what would have happened if I waited around to see her reaction beyond that death stare.

Humans! The nerve! I eat and vomit colorful party favors onto the bed and what do I get?! Nothing. Nothing except the dire rasp of the human's voice, crying "LULU YOU LITTLE SHITHEAD!" into the air as I flee.

Tl;Dr: Tried to throw my humans a party, painstakingly ate and regurgitated colorful streamers and placed them on their favorite pillow, and was shut down...hard.